Sunday's C&C call really dug down and opened up some dirty things about validation, the Never Enough/Perfectionist core story. (Where my People Pleasers at??) Here's my gross: The thing I really want is to create--make the paintings in my head, complete the big project I began, materialize the ideas. Beneath the avoidance, is a reluctance to be alone with myself. Before I hit a big ole pause on these things, I used to constantly nitpick myself as I created, nothing was ever enough, it had to be perfect, I would research deeply to get all my facts straight, and then spend a long time crafting defenses and justifications for why I made my creative choices and "deviated" into freedom and chaos. (No one asked for these justifications) I was constantly seeking validation outside of myself, because, let's face it, I wasn't exactly kind or validating shit. I let the few negative voices take over. They would replay in my head. Eventually creating slowed and became a trickle. I created "low stakes"/"safe" small pieces to avoid the big ideas. And that became a trickle, too. Never Enough is as much an unobtainable moving target as perfect. It's all about how we talk to ourselves. I don't know that I know how to be my own validation. How to be proud of what I create. How to say, "I am enough, and this is enough." and believe it. So I am in this muck of knowing I need to build trust with myself. I need to honestly be comfortable alone with myself, and know that within is the only validation I need. It's time for a new way to create, the Anti-Perfectionism way, the Enough way. I'm a fucking mess, no time like the present.